Navigating Family Estrangement: Healing for the Heartbroken Mother
Understanding Family Estrangement
Family estrangement occurs when relationships between family members become strained to the point of needing to cease contact. For mothers, this can happen due to various reasons, including:
Conflict over values: Disagreements about lifestyle choices, political views, beliefs, lack of respect, (perceived or actual), or just having differing priorities can lead to rifts.
Unresolved past trauma: Previous family dynamics for the mother growing up in her own childhood, such as abuse or neglect, not having been raised in an emotionally available parented family and ‘just being human’, can complicate current relationships.
Life transitions: Events like marriage, divorce, new relationships, a son or daughter in law who doesn’t like your approach, or becoming a parent can change family dynamics and lead to estrangement.
The Emotional Toll
Mothers experiencing estrangement may face:
Grief and Loss: A sense of mourning for the relationship that once was.
Guilt and Self-Blame: Questioning their actions and decisions, wondering if they could have done something differently, if only’s and what if’s.
Loneliness: A feeling of isolation from both their estranged child and extended family, along with the heart wrenching feeling of being kept from participating in a grandchild’s life, can feel like a punishment or that your adult child wants to make sure you suffer for the past that you can never change because you’re only human.
Therapy and Approaches to Healing
While the journey of healing is deeply personal, several therapeutic approaches can help mothers navigate the complexities of estrangement:
Individual Therapy
Emotional Based Therapy such as ERT (Emotion Release Technique): ERT focuses on uncovering emotional responses in the body as seen as triggers. For mothers, this can help process feelings of abandonment and develop a deeper understanding of their relationship patterns when finding the origin of these emotions.
Family Therapy
Systemic Family Counselling Therapy: Involving the entire family (if possible) with a therapist, this approach aims to uncover dynamics and patterns that contribute to estrangement. It provides a space for open dialogue, promoting healing and understanding among all family members. Not a comfortable approach but helpful if the adult child is still young and not in a relationship.
Support Groups
Peer Support: Joining a support group for parents dealing with estrangement can provide a sense of community and understanding. Sharing experiences with others who are navigating similar challenges can be validating and comforting. If you are interested in a support group please let me know as I have been considering establishing a group for like minded mums, particularly paternal grandmothers.
4. Mindfulness and Self-Care Practices
Incorporating mindfulness techniques can help mothers and grannies stay grounded and present, reducing anxiety about the estrangement. Practices like meditation, journaling, or yoga and even group ERT sessions, can foster self-reflection and emotional regulation.
Steps Towards Healing
Acknowledge Your Feelings: Recognising the complex range of your emotions is the first step. Allow yourself to grieve the relationship.
Seek Professional Help: Finding a healer or therapist who specialises in helping families or assisting with grief can provide valuable support.
Establish Boundaries: Protect your emotional well-being by setting healthy boundaries. It’s okay to limit contact with family members who may exacerbate your pain. And accepting that this goes both ways, but knowing you deserve to feel respected even if it’s only by you.
Focus on Yourself: Invest time in self-care activities that bring you joy and fulfilment. Reconnecting with hobbies or interests can help restore a sense of self. Avoid dwelling on the loss and what you’re missing out on and stay focused on you.
Stay Open to Possibilities: While estrangement and separation from an adult child and your grandchildren can feel permanent, relationships can and often do evolve. Keeping the door open for future reconciliation, even if it feels distant or unlikely, can be healing in itself.
Conclusion
Family estrangement is a heartbreaking journey, particularly for mothers who often bear the weight of relational expectations. However, through therapy and support, healing is possible. Remember that it’s okay to seek help, prioritise your well-being, and nurture hope for the future. You are not alone on this journey, and with time and care, it’s possible to rebuild your sense of self and find peace amidst the pain and remain hopeful of reconciliation while not losing yourself in the process. Life goes on and so must you but it doesn’t have to be messy.
If you are a parent who has been estranged from your adult child and subsequently prevented from seeing your grandchildren grow up, then I encourage you to jump on a free discovery call with me to see how I can help you recover from this unimaginable pain. Having been through this myself I know exactly where you’re at and how to heal.
Email me at info@chaostokarma.com or through my social media or website www.chaostokarma.com and by phone on 0414724839
Kind regards,
Margie Hyde